Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Ruminations on Jam

Welcome to my new blog and to new ways of thinking about relationships, sex, and foreplay, but especially the foreplay.

My name is Felicity Grope and as well as being a world class seductress (‘she blew my mind’, Sir Trevor Pickle, November 2012), I am the author of manuals, guidebooks, pamphlets, and chat line dialogue. I’m also the author of erotic fiction under my pen name 'Felicity Grope'.

Whether you’ve read my work, heard me on the radio, or slept with me, allow me to virtual kiss you a warm blog welcome (no tongue), especially those of you looking for handy bedroom tips to make you a better lover. And what better way for me to begin and to establish my credentials than to give you one of my favourite quick sex tips regarding the common pot of household jam.

Now, so-called sex experts ('sexperts') will tell you that nothing appeals to a partner more than if you buy some exotic love syrup from your favourite high street eroticician and smear it all over their body. Well, I’m here to say: STOP! We’re living in an age of austerity and many of these so called sexperts are only in it to make a quick buck by selling you something. Why waste your time and money going buying exotic love condiments which contain strange chemicals that makes your organs shrink and will eventually perish the elastic in your underwear?

Nothing works better for me in the bedroom than a simple humble jar of jam. Strawberry’s my favourite because I like the extra friction when you lick the seeds but any jam will do: damson, marmalade, raspberry, blueberry, even honey if runny enough. I would add a word of caution, however, if you wish to experiment with either syrup or treacle. I’ve had nothing but bad experience with both of these. Not only are they difficult to get out of silk they’re almost impossible to get out of any human orifice deeper than an inch. Your underwear will be strained with treacle for months and take that from one who knows...

Jam is also high in vitamins so it’s good for the skin and feels particularly beneficial on you or your partner’s more tender parts but if you apply it with a butter knife, please we aware of the serrated edge.