Thursday, 2 May 2013

Animal Noises? A Turn On or A Turn Off?

John from Chapsmere, Norfolk writes: ‘Felicity, I like to make animal noises before I make love but I’ve found that not all my prospective partners appreciate my powers of animal mimicry. Do you think animal noises are sexy? I mainly do baboons.’

Well, John, thank you for your question. My answer is: it all depends. In my experience, I find that nothing sexes up an evening with a few noises from the barnyard. I've known many men who get turned on by the sound of a cow, sheep or a barn owl. And what woman isn't aroused by the sound of a man making chicken noises? A good cluck cluck makes for a better… Well, I’m sure you get the idea.

However, there are some noises which I find are a distinct turn off. Don’t ask me why but the braying of an ass has never excited me. Pig noises are also an unwelcome addition to the soundscape of the bedroom. And, speaking purely in terms of practical acoustics, noises of the larger mammals aren't always suitable for nighttime pursuits. I once knew a man who liked to roar like a bull elephant and he was asked to leave many a hotel during the middle of the night. Yet he never learned his lesson. Every time we’d meet, the roar of a bull elephant would echo down the halls of the Premier Inn and it would be followed shortly after by a knock on the door and a rush to find retrieve my underwear from the light fitting.

I would imagine that the sound of a baboon would be a definite turn on, assuming that we’re not talking about old world monkeys, which are a different matter entirely. I mean what kind of sick and twisted individual would try to imitate a new world monkey? That’s just abhorrent and you’d deserve every brickbat and insult hurled your way. Pervert!

For you convenience, John, here’s a list of animals you might like to try imitating before sex: chickens, sheep, cows, goats, lions, wolves, cheetah, the common goldfish, heron, duck, kangaroo (but not the wallaby), and the otter. My favourite, of course, is the otter. I simply love to lie in the bath on my back and slap my breasts. If I’m ever in the area of Chapsmere, Norfolk, I’d be happy to demonstrate.

Hope this answers your question and good luck with the monkey bars. I had a set installed in my bedroom and I've never looked back.