Friday, 3 May 2013

Baking Tips


Keith from Copenhagen writes: ‘Does your book contain baking tips?’

Well, Keith from Copenhagen, I’m so glad you asked that because although Amazon has categorised my book as ‘sexually explicit erotica’, I’m sure you’re not the first person to come along and think: ‘Ah, but what use would this book be to me in the kitchen?’ And, let's face the facts: it’s not as though long sessions of particularly athletic sex are that dissimilar to spending the afternoon with your fist in an oven glove…

Take, for instance, the hand exercises I describe in long and sometimes lurid detail. They could easily be used to help strengthen the wrists for the purposes of whisking egg whites or making mashed potato. Need to make bread? Then why not follow the instructions of page 25? You might think it’s a scene of gratuitous lesbianism where two young women pointlessly fondle each other’s breasts but it’s actually a cunningly disguised lesson in the right way to knead dough. Remember girls: up and out and squeeze, up and out and squeeze, now add a splash of oil…

Of course, bread and whisking egg whites only go so far and they certainly won’t fill your stomach. What you need for that is red meat and red meat is something you’ll definitely find in my book, sometimes in such nauseatingly described detail that you wonder how a woman can remain sane whilst writing about it. So need to know how to tenderise your loin? Then check pages 11, 16, 19, 21, 25, twice on page 27, 28, 29, 32, 37, once with Pepe the dwarf on page 39, 43, 55, 57, 72, 74 (but, really, it’s made from rubber), 78, and 83.

Finally, as any chef will tell you: the most important skill in the kitchen is cleanliness. Not only is it next to godliness but it is a couple of steps up from gastroenteritis. My book certainly discusses the things you should and should not put into your mouth, although, now I come to think about it, it’s mainly the things you can put into your mouth. However, I do talk about regularly washing my hands or, if I don’t talk about it, then it’s surely implied given some of the strange things I've handled…

Well, come on! It’s a kind of cleanliness…