Sunday, 12 May 2013
In the meantime I wanted to talk today about something that's just changed my life. And I don't mean 'changed my life' like one of those infomercials. I'm not about to show you how to emulsion a wall from twenty feet away or chop vegetables whilst you also lose weight off your thighs. No, what I want to talk about is far more important. You see, last week I bought some eyelashes for my car! Now, I know what you’re probably thinking –
OH MY GOD!
And you’d be right if that was merely shorthand for –
OH MY GOD! I’VE GOT TO GET MYSELF SOME OF THOSE! HOW COME NOBODY THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?
I’ll tell you why nobody thought of this before: there’s just not enough genius to go around. That’s why.
Don’t get me wrong. Einstein had a bit and Professor Stephen Hawking wasn’t at the back of the queue and a fair amount went to Michael Barrymore before he abandoned show-business and decided to work in a garden centre. But, after Barrymore, I wondered if I’d ever again see genius doled out in such generous amounts in my lifetime. Then along came Eyelashes for Cars.
Eyelashes for Cars! Just saying that gives me goosebumps! I just don’t know where to begin explaining why they’re so great.
I suppose I should begin by explaining why I decided to put eyelashes on my car. You see, I’ve always wanted a car that’s as sexy on the outside as it is on the inside. I think it’s already working for my brown 2000 Peugeot 406 Estate. I was stopped for speeding yesterday morning. Nothing too serious… I’d just been doing 80 on the motorway during heavy rain with one bust indicator light and bald tyres. The first thing I saw was the flashing blue lights behind me. It was exhilarating as I signalled towards the inside lane, hit the brakes, and then did a long controlled skid as I hydroplaned onto that impressively hard shoulder. Just saying ‘hard shoulder’ gets me excited.
I think the eyelashes make my car very sexualised. It’s has that classic Sophia Loren look but with a radiator grill, which is probably why the traffic cop looked so turned on when got out of his car and began to walk back to my car. His face was really quite flushed and he was already balling his fists in that way some men do when they want to look particular hot and masculine.
He said a few choice words, clearly to incite a little early passion into our relationship, and perhaps he was right and I shouldn’t have got out of my car. Only, if I’d stayed in the dry, how on earth could I have got my t-shirt wet and if I hadn’t got my t-shirt wet how could I have managed to persuade him to let me off with a slap on the wrists, a £260 fine, six points on my licence, and my car towed away?
Tomorrow I arrange to get my car back and I’ll go with the local mechanic to pick it up from the quarantine yard. When they asked me which one it was I’ll say, loud and proud, that mine is the one with tastefully done eyelashes. I’m sure they'll immediately remember it, which is why, ladies, you need to get yourself some eyelashes for your car. You can’t go wrong.