Monday, 13 May 2013

The Feather Tickler Two Ended Whip

I’m sorry to have to do this. I really didn't start this blog intending to make public safety announcements or provide consumer advice. However, the events of Saturday night mean that I've been forced to write the following urgent email to my favourite supplier of erotic novelties, clamps, whistles, and chocolate rubber.

I sent the email (minus picture) late last night and I’ll report back if I get an answer, satisfactory or otherwise.

oOo

To: ccare@annsummers.com
Subject: Feather Tickler Two Ended Whip

Dear Anne Summers,

OK, you twisted freaks, we’re about to enter into some graphic foreplay and I want to give you chance to flip your goggles down before you read on. Why, you ask? Well, do you have any idea what agony you've unleashed on a poor pineapple grower from Brazil? What manner of brutal deviant are you people hiring to test your products? You might well consider yourself experts in the theory of erotica but I have years of practical field experience (sometimes in fields) and I’m not sure you’re using the right superglue to ensure the former stays attached to the latter…

I recently bought your ‘Feather Tickler Two Ended Whip’ for £15 in your Oxford Street store. A bargain, you might say, but a bargain that may well have put fifteen pence on the price of every pineapple sold in the UK next year.

Last night, Hector, my Brazilian, was around. He’s been in the country with the pineapple delegation having talks with Tesco, so I wanted the evening to be very special on what was going to be his last night; hence my black leathers, nun costume, and use of your tickler whip. I've been using both ends for eight weeks now and although I've not got a single chuckle from any of my lovers using the feathered end, the other has been leaving red welts wherever it has landed. The paddling has been simply peachy and that is high praise indeed if you knew how much I put my shoulder into it.

So, last night (Saturday), the scene was set. I had Hector weeping Portuguese over the bottom of my four poster, his legs at ninety degrees, tied by the ankles to each leg of the bed, and his hands in heavy-duty manacles (not bought from your store but, interestingly, the very same model of manacle used by the Bolivian secret police). Now, if I have the misfortune of having a narrow bedroom, that’s more than alleviated by the fact that it’s nearly twenty two yards long, which you might know, is the length of a regulation cricket pitch. That means I had a good run up.

I've often been recommended because of my smart eye and whip like wrists but I was really motoring when I ran in and aimed a stroke at Hector’s left buttock. Things looked good when my arm slashed down in a well-aimed spank. Or it would have been a well-aimed spank if the end of the bloody paddle hadn't flown off! Instead of striking Hector squarely on his rump, the paddle bounced off the walnut foot of the bed and struck him an extremely sharp blow across the tender rear portion of his exposed scrotum. His scream woke the building and, fifteen minutes later, I had to explain the situation to some persistent members of the Old Bill whilst Mr Allen, from the next door flat, helped Hector avoid frostbite from the large bag of ASDA's frozen mixed vegetables he was using to alleviate the swelling.

The last I heard of Hector was that he flew back to Brazil this morning with the other members of the trade delegation and a testicular sack the size of a grapefruit.

My question to you is what kind of spanking equipment do you deviants think you’re selling? Do you people even bother to test them and, if so, how do you test them? I know from personal experience that there’s not much a Romanian wouldn't do for £50 and as many grapes as they can eat. Why don’t you hire a few Vlads to take some lashes for the Anne Summers team?

Without answers to my questions, I doubt very much if I’ll ever be able to buy one of your paddles, whips, or military style batons with the peace of mind I need in order to conduct hostile acts on another person’s person. No doubt you’ll point out that I've had six weeks of heavy duty use out of this whip/tickler and it’s too late to demand my money back. I’m not taking statutory customer rights. I’m taking human rights, damn it! You should provide some adequate numbers to indicate how much lateral force a woman might safely apply.

Right, that reads to me like a good précis of events. Get back to me with some adequate explanations before I start to import my stuff from Germany where they know how to make a quality spanker cum tickler.

Sincerely yours,

Felicity Grope
(Pronounced like the soup not the pope)