Monday, 6 May 2013

The Perils of the Older Steam Train Enthusiast

A very special Bank Holiday Monday email, purportedly from the father of the modern steam locomotive, Sir Nigel Gresley, who writes:
What advice would you give the more mature man in the bedroom department? 
Please just do not say keep taking the blue pills.  
Yours in trepidation  

Well, Sir Nigel, I have to thank you for the question, which I’m sure many stream train enthusiasts are also asking. However, it would be remiss of me not to thank you for the sterling work you've done on the development of the modern railway. Not only is The Flying Scotsman my locomotive of choice, it’s also the nickname I give my favourite slightly imbecilic son of the Highlands, an astonishing six feet eight inches tall yet barely fit to toss his own caber.

I am, of course, distressed to learn about your difficulties but, if it’s any consolation, it’s quite natural that a man nearly one hundred and thirty seven years old should feel a little jaded when it comes to 'shunting his own loco into the sidings'. That said, there are many ways you regain your old vigour and with a little work, I don’t see why we can’t get you fighting again like a sprightly 97 year old.

I’m very much a girl (with a 36DD bust) who believes in doing things the natural way, assuming the natural way doesn't preclude the use of a boomerang, so let’s start with the basics. If you find your ‘steam pressure’ isn't enough to get your piston firing, then there’s nothing wrong with seeking a little outside help. By ‘little help’ I mean, of course, a little person. A nanus, in short, and, being short, perfectly sized to stand between your legs and keep things on the straight and narrow and firmly upright. You’re in luck since we’re currently out of panto season so I’m sure you could find an unemployed Doc, Sleepy, Flaccid, or Dopey who’d probably do it for £50, a bottle of White Lightning cider and taxi fare home.

Alternatively and given your expertise, you might consider some mechanical device that might assist you achieve a good ‘head of steam’. Naturally you won’t want to consider one of the modern suction pumps but a man with your engineering background must always think bigger! I recommend at least nine inches bigger! If you need help down there, why not simply suck all the air out of the room? Making love in a complete vacuum is the Viagra of the future! Not only will it improve your rigidity at the drop of your hat but thanks to your new surge of life in the old fellow, you’ll be able to hang your hat on it. And since it’s a vacuum, you’ll have the added peace of mind to know that everything will fall at exactly the same speed: hat, feather, or hand spanner. One word of caution: if you try to combine both dwarf and vacuum solutions, you will need to provide him with an additional oxygen supply. You’d be surprised how many midgets die like that every year.

My second piece of advice regards duration: love making is not a sprint it’s a marathon. If you need to keep sitting down and catching your breath, there’s nothing wrong with that. Many women actually prefer a man who makes it last longer. Do you think we women really want a man who nibbles our ear and then falls asleep? A woman would only be too pleased to be with a man who lasts three, four, possibly even five and a half hours. Just make sure you provide a kettle, some cup-a-soups, and a board game to fill your ‘down time’.

Thirdly, regarding vigor: do you wear braces? If not, buy some. You need some extra force in your ‘shunt’ so I suggest you slip your braces from your shoulders and throw them over the shoulders of your partner? The natural elastic force should bring you both together for a more satisfaction coupling. In fact, you'll soon be coupling so hard that your neighbours will think they’re sleeping next to a freight container yard…

Finally, if all that fails, consider Sir Isaac Newton. I don’t mean consider him in the nude but, if that works for you, then why not? What I mean is that you should remember Newton’s third law: ‘to every action there is always opposed an equal reaction’. This has been proved to work in space, inside nuclear power stations, and, more importantly, in the bedroom. To put it simply: if you find you can’t generate enough force, find somebody who can produce it for you. Some nimble athletic type might just be what you’re looking for. Perhaps a triple jump champion who can run at you with a hop, a skip, and a thighs-apart-for-hell-and-high-glory jump. If she hits you right, you will produce and equal and opposite force! I know that sounds like Groucho’s old advice that a ‘man is only as old as the woman he feels’ but, in my experience, a man is only as old as the woman who comes flying at him at throat height at a breakneck speed from a long run up.

Hope my advice helps. If you find it helpful, might I point you in the direction of my recently published volume of short stories, a snip (of the non-vasectomy variety) at only 75 pence a copy and then spread the word (possibly with a positive review on Amazon). All proceeds go to a woman currently wearing a French nightie and blowing you a big kiss.